Have I jumped off the cliff? If I have or am, will I even know it? Maybe it already happened and I’m just slow to recognize it. Have I been in shock and distracting myself so I won’t know I took the leap? The amazement I feel is oddly keyed down. Or perhaps I’ve just lived keyed up for so long I’ve lost touch with my own equilibrium. It’s not as if a magic wand has swept all my troubles away. So what is it…what is this, this?
Words string together into sentences, into paragraphs and I don’t feel any more put together. And, at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m falling apart. Best I can do to explain is pale in comparison. I’m returning to myself after a long period of separation. The parts of me are coming back together in close proximity and some have not been near each other in ages. This feels strange and quite uncomfortable at times. It’s like taking children from all different playgrounds and places and containing them in one small room. They have no choice but to feel the existence of each other, even if they close their eyes and refuse to engage. They just can’t get very far away and there are too many children to find much wiggle room. I sit with all these parts of myself gathered.
Now what? I don’t get the sense I need to configure myself. It seems enough all these parts are close, or that I’m not running away as parts of myself. I’m right here. I guess this staying is my version of jumping off the cliff. Except, I’m jumping in; into myself.
What parts really were leaving? What parts still leave? How much is staying? I ask these things and yet, I really don’t care. I hit the end of something and refused to continue the battle to remain on the cliff. And then, I just fell off…or in. It’s really not very exciting or dramatic. There was no rush of warriors or ominous signs. I wasn’t literally on death’s door (well, this may be debatable in my head). I just finally realized I’d lost. And, getting lost was what I required of myself, in order to start experiencing what it feels like to find, or be found.
I’m probably going through one of the most profound transformative changes of my life. I’ve been committed to myself and my growth. I’m winning. Funny that for me, at this moment, losing feels like winning. Some things just don’t work. No matter how much effort I exert, some things don’t change. Sometimes, I don’t want to push through. And more than ever, right now, I’m ok. The sort of ok that trusts and believes.
I don’t know what will happen to me. I don’t know how I will feel moment to moment, week to week, year to year. I don’t know who will stay in my life. I don’t know the choices I will make. I can’t promise myself or anyone else much of anything in the generic sense. I can’t tell the future, because there is no future. Sometimes, I can look into the now with laser accuracy. This now, mine or yours, includes memories of the past and made up future, but all this is from where you or I are at NOW.
Do you get it? Now includes your present memories, feelings, emotions and thoughts about your past. It’s like a big loop or circle of your life and your now just moves around. Depending on where your now is, some parts seem further behind or farther ahead. But, your loop has already been made. And, I believe you have many different loops with the possibility of jumping them, like trains.
Perception! Whatever we call things (the past, future, train, loops, now, etc.) and how we define and relate to them dictates our experience. Am I in ten places at once? I am if I want to be. I am if I believe I am. And what if I believe I am and find out I’m not? Then I won’t know if finding out I’m not is fabricated or being in the ten places is fabricated. I don’t mind if my theories change or prove untrue. I don’t care if I live in the matrix or in a kaleidoscope. The existence of heaven and hell do not concern me. I believe in Love by any name or form. I know I exist, even if only in my own mind, or in yours. Time and reality do not bind me, except when I choose it. In this existence, I’ve chosen it. I’ve chosen to be bound in a body. But, to one man or woman, the binds confine and to another, they free.
I live in New York City. This city cannot overwhelm me unless I choose it. This city cannot inspire and excite me unless I choose it. This city offers almost everything, but I can choose not to receive it. Living here has been the best experience of how big and small I am, or make myself. New York offers the stage and bright lights where people come to be seen and it offers countless places to hide, in the shadows of all the distraction. What better place to play ‘lost and found’? Maybe this city is very much like me.