Dissolving and deconstructing is the only way I know to find me. So many layers of self-image and costumes built up to the point of confinement. I ran out of room...room for me. I started spilling and rolling out and over everything I built. I outgrew and started growing up at the same time.
I'm fatter now, fuller now, thicker now, bigger now. And, I'm slower, more simple and more me. My head is a little smaller...still pretty big, but not quite so inflated :) I am more human.
I don't wonder if I CAN do anything, I just wonder if I will; will I choose it; will I choose me; choose what I really want; choose to really live. It's always a choice and my choice. Sometimes I just don't want to choose; don't want to find out what will happen if I commit.
I look at people on the street, in motion, going somewhere. I watch their expressions, movements, shapes and styles. How much are they letting me or anyone see? How well do they fit within themselves?
What a strange planet - this place where the head is so disconnected from the heart and body. I guess we need to separate to see anything. Maybe separating into the head allows us to see the heart and know it exists...
The path to my heart has been through my head. Only in pushing until I hit the boundary of my head, the limits of mental capacity... Only in this complete brain control exhaustion am I forcing myself to feel. This breaking myself down is my greatest act of self-kindness. As I break down into nothing, I find great comfort in finding nothing. There was never really anything to break down, never anything broken.
I'm not dissolving. I can't ever be anything other than exactly what and who I am..unchanging. The forms and ideas I build become reality, but not defining of me.
I tried to build a me, like a perfect model, a successful science experiment. I thought this 'me' into existence. I created a twin me that overshadowed the authentic me. I'm tired of the dual existence. It's so much work keeping the two seamless. I lost track of which one I was; I forgot there was ever another....until now.