Choosing Where I Am; Choosing Planets 1st
As much as I think I get excited to be something different, Saturn runs through my veins. What does this mean? And does it take away from anything else? I’ve intentionally chosen the Venus, Mercury and Uranus facets of me 1st, and still I am strongly programmed by Saturn. As much as I’ve relied on the Saturn part of me for success, safety and control, I don’t trust it. This very part that I’ve overdeveloped in so many ways is not matured yet, not with a deep inner strength.
I don’t have to be one thing or the other. I am serious and I take things seriously. I am whimsical and I don’t care. I have been believing I am moving from Saturn to Jupiter; from small to big; from the confines of ‘reality’ to the optimism of expanded consciousness. I am not moving from anything to anything. I am right here. What I call ‘things’ move through me. I am Saturn and Jupiter and I have always been both. There is no way any of us can be anything less than everything.
From where do I choose to observe all this? From which space within me do I choose to frame my perspective of the whole? If I’ve wanted a Saturnian body condom to protect me from life, so be it. If I’ve not wanted to feel or experience truth and love, so be it. It’s always here anyway. My seriousness can be the biggest joke ever, especially when I really don’t care.
The biggest illusion in my life has been believing that the place I’m in means anything other than where I choose to take in the view and direct the scene. I am the one always doing everything to me. It’s my movie; my play; my show.
Saturn only exists with Jupiter as the opposing force. Anything visible contains its opposite in the shadow. Any ‘thing’ only exists because of duality. If I’m Saturnian, there is no question I’m Jupiterian. Anything else is impossible. I judge myself and criticize myself looking to the right, without taking into consideration what I see to the left. I like doing this, but I’m liking it less than ever and so I see more.
Often, I am Jupiterian, expressing Saturnian. I enjoy expressing my reaction to things. How much fun to be Saturn in response to Jupiter! My limitations, deficiencies, fears, inadequacies, shame, boundaries, restrictions…and yet, my ambition, responsibility, discipline and ability to manifest grow from the same tree. And all the time, as I play with my Saturn mind, Jupiter is growing, stretching and lifting me up.
I close and open. I am small and big. Anything can be for or against me. I have tended to use things against me, but that does not mean I cannot use them for me.
When I am Saturn, I am my pain, my judgement, my deficiencies, my controlling of the environment. When I am anything, I have more room for me. Saturn rules boundaries and limitations. If I am Saturn, I am my boundaries and limitations. If it’s me and I am the one doing everything to me, I have unlimited options and a spaciousness beyond what I’ve wanted to know.
My intention in choosing any planet 1st is powerful because I have the courage to see me from a different view. And maybe, with simply this, the form of me is different. Not because I changed. Because from ‘here’ the space I occupy appears to fill differently. I appear differently. Somehow, the parts of me that do not change coalesce differently in each view. There is never one version. There is so much More.